February 7, 2015

FEBRUARY 7, 2015

Two men in their late 20s, early 30s enter the coffee house, purchase lattes and sit at a table. Man #1 has light brown hair and sports fashionable stubble. Handsome and dressed trendy, he has dark brown eyes and an edgy, sensitive, artistic look to him. Man #2 has dark brown hair, blue eyes and is dressed more traditionally.

Man #1: Hey, thanks for meeting me here. Long time.

Man #2: Yeah, it sure is. How are things going, man? 

Man #1: They were going real well. Then I helped this guy out. He was in trouble so I lent him some money and did some favors, but it ended up screwing things up for me. It always does.

Man #2: Really?

Man #1: Yeah, like things are fine, but the minute I help someone … POW! Everything gets crazy and I get this run of bad luck.

Man #2: I think I know what you mean.

Man #1: So it happens to you, too?

Man #2: It does.

Man #1: I always wondered why so I asked my guru.

Man #2: I didn’t know you had a guru. How long have you had one?

Man #1: Four years. I guess I never talked about it before, but he’s the real deal. He was born in Brooklyn, but studied in India. Interesting teacher, but, anyway, I asked him and you know what he said?

Man #2: *sips coffee* No, what?

Man #1: He said that when we offer to help, we’re saying to the universe that we’re willing to take some of their karmic load. That’s what’s happening. Instead of that portion of bad stuff happening to them, it becomes yours and happens to you.

Man #2: Hmmmm, I guess it makes sense.

Man #1: Yeah, I guess it does. 

February 6, 2015

FEBRUARY 6, 2015

Customer: *waiting for her order* How you doing?

Barista: Fine. How’re you doing?  

Customer: Great! Cleaning up my house. I was watching this Navy SEAL video and they were talking about how they arrange things and keep things in order.

Barista: Oh, yeah! My dad was in the Navy. We had to keep our room in order. That training carried over and I still do. My apartment is clean. I know where everything is.

Customer: Yeah, that’s what they were saying—

Barista: It’s cause you can see if anyone’s been there … tampering with your things. I know where everything is supposed to be so if someone comes in and messes with my stuff, I’ll know.   

Customer: You could put tape on the door. *laughs*

Barista: No, dental floss!

Customer: Right! Dental floss!

Barista: Yes, use dental floss. The military teaches you how to use common objects to tell if your living quarters have been compromised.   

Customer: Like breaking a light bulb and spreading the glass on the floor before you go to sleep. If you hear crunching … *laughs some more*

Barista: You don’t want things to get that far.

Customer: No, I hear what you’re saying. It’s why I keep things neat. Like the liquor cabinet. I got home one day and I was like, hmmm … things were out of place in the cabinet. The bottles were moved over so I asked my boyfriend if he’d been in it cause it’s locked, and he said, no, but no one else had access to my keys and so I showed him and he confessed and said he’d taken one drink, but no more and it was because I kept things neat in there. Otherwise, I wouldn't have known.

Barista: Right. You couldn’t have done that if things were out of place.  

Customer: Yes, well, the video I’m talking about is amazing. I think they're ten or twelve videos, and these Navy SEALs are talking out the principles they were taught and how doing one every day will help you straighten out your life. You see, it’s not just cleaning your room, you’re working something out in cleaning your room so it’s very inspirational and you improve if you follow what they say. They’re on YouTube. You should check them out because I’m doing them and they’re really helping.

Barista: Have you seen American Sniper?

Customer: No, should I?

Barista: Absolutely. Great film. And you’ll learn something.  

Customer: Okay, I’ll go see it, but if I don’t like it, it’ll be your fault! *laughs* *takes latte and heads toward door* Have a good one!

Barista: You, too. And let me know what you think about the film. 

February 5, 2015

FEBRUARY 5, 2015

Young 20ish girl enters coffee shop with huge grin on her face. She walks to side of counter and poses so that the baristas on duty can see her. One does. Breaking into a huge smile, a young male barista rushes forward and gives her a hug.

Barista: Hey, how you doing, Elaine?  

Ex-barista: Fine. I work around here, so I thought I’d stop by and say hello.  

Barista: Oh, yeah! Where?

Ex-barista: At this place that sells chocolate. You know I love that so I sell some, eat some … *laughter*

Barista: Let me look at you. *takes her by her arms and gives her the onceover* Yup, you look all grown. You’re not the little girl you were when you came to work here.

Ex-barista: Nope. And you’d be proud of me. I drink now.

Barista: No!

Ex-barista: Yes! Sometimes all night. And I do what you do. I go to the bar right down the street—

Barista: And have your soda cup filled?

Ex-barista: Yes, I remembered what I do.

Barista: Good girl! Every day at lunch, I go down there and have them fill the can with some buzz and then I come here and drink it and nobody knows anything and I’m fine and can handle anything.

Ex-barista: Yup, that’s what I do! I copied you. I told you that you’d be proud.

Barista: And I am. *gives her a hug and beams with pride* 

**

Voices from the other side of the room drift in.

Man at far table: But you understand. You’re Catholic, right?

Woman sitting across from him: No, I’m an atheist. 

February 4, 2015

Since I spend more time in the coffee house than I do at home, I'm starting a Coffee House Chronicle page to document a smidgen of what goes on while I'm eavesdropping ... I mean, WRITING! 

FEBRUARY 4, 2015

Man #1: So me and my girl were going out of town so I invited Rhonda to my crib.

Man #2: Rhonda?

Man #1: Yeah, you know, so she could watch the animals and take care of shit. I told her, I said, “Look, you can use it, but just don’t get too wasted.”

Man #3: Where’d you go?

Man #1: Oregon. Didn’t want to come back. I’d f*cking live there if I could.

Man #2: But all Oregon’s got is logger’s sons trying to carve things up.

(Laughter)

Man #1: Yeah, I guess that’s true, but nothing’s worse than stock brokers.

Man #3: They’re crazy. They talk about gangbangers, but they’re worse.

Man #2: Sure are. Nasty, arrogant bullsh*tters, every last one.

Man #1: So listen, listen. I get home and everything’s cool until Rhonda tells me to look through my drawer. I open it, and right there on top of my undies is this EPT sh*t.

Man #3: Your girl’s?

Man #1: That’s what I thought! *slaps hands with him* but instead of calling anyone else, I call her. I’m like, “You got anything to tell me?”

Man #2: What’d she say?”

Man #1: She was like, “Hey, you sound upset. What’s wrong?” So I told her what I found, and she swore on her mom’s life it wasn’t her.

Man #3: Had to be? It wasn’t yours! *laughter*

Man #1: No, that’s the thing. Things get into our apartment. Like there was this time, I went through my underwear and there’s these little lacy thong things.

Man #2: Your girl’s?

Man #1: No, too small, but that’s what I told her cause she was accusing me, and I said, “Look at these? I wouldn’t have sex with someone this small.”

Man #2: That was your defense? “Honey, I couldn’t have screwed her cause she’s too small?”

Man #1: Sure did! I don’t bother with girls like that! *laughter*

Man #3: The Too Small-Assed Defense.

Man #1: Yeah, but it’s true. Oh, and it’s embarrassing, but my girl has this job … makes so much money.

Man #2: I wish I had that problem. I wish I could say, “My wife makes so much damn money and it embarrasses me so much. *laughter*

Man #1: It’s true! It’s true! Like this bill comes in and I’m broke and I have to go to her and say …

Man #2: Hey, what’s hers is yours. Just bring her the bill and say, “I don’t have the cash so you’re gonna have to write the check.”

Man #1: She does. Glad that EPT sh*t wasn’t hers.

Man #3: Yeah, now that would be embarrassing.

Thong, tha- tha- thong! (Included for illustrative purposes only)